"I have stumbled upon the scary realizations that independence brings. No longer can I depend on others to get me through things and no longer can I keep blaming others for the way my life has gone. I have always done that: blamed others for the things that have happened in my life. But now that I am completely on my own and am making my own decisions, I have to take responsibility for those decisions. And that is one of the scariest things I have ever faced. How do I know what to do in my life? How do I decide where I want my life to go? I have no idea what I want to be or how I want to live, but I'm going to have to decide that pretty quickly.
One of the things I'm dreading most about this trip is being around all of these teenagers. I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but I feel like I've just never fit in anywhere, especially with kids my own age. I never share the same interests or like the same things from music to sports. It probably sounds conceited, but I have always thought that I was more mature than people my own age. I have always gotten along better with people older than me. When I first thought about this trip, all I was thinking was that it was a way to get out of Lowville, NY. I was thinking that I wouldn't have to go to another year of high school here. Somehow I thought that teens in other countries would be more mature and not so... American. I think it's this idea that everything foreign is new and exciting, and therefore better. But I don't think that's true. I think it's the same as anywhere else and we all just want there to be a perfect place so we imagine one somewhere that we have never been. I think that school will be just the same in Italy as it is here. I do think though that there will be more respect for teachers and they do have a lot better of a work ethic. I am just so worried about fitting in. I hate being around teenagers because I feel so awkward and out of place. I never know what to say. I think it's because I want to fit in so badly that I have become so self-conscious that I never say anything. I have to remind myself to just be myself. I think that's a gamble that everyone takes in life. By being yourself you are allowing the other people to decide if they want to like you or not. It's their problem if they don't. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it just means that people are different. Not everybody can get along."
I wrote this a wile ago before leaving and have rediscovered it. It's funny reading something that you've written a long time ago about the expectations of things to come. Most of what I predicted is true. I still don't really fit in with kids my own age. Teens here are just as "immature", even more so than in America it seems but maybe they are really just different. I don't know. It's just a different way of life. There's things here in Italy that are better for me in America but there are also things that are worse. But I think it would be like that anywhere you go. I fit in well with my family, for the most part. I spend most of my time around them and have learned to appreciate each one of them for who they are. I've learned that not everything is perfect and sometimes you just have to make things work. There's a point where you need to accept that this is how things are and make them work for you. You can't sit and complain all the time and wait for something to happen. You just have to live in what is happening. I still don't know what I want to do when I come back, but I still have about 6 months to figure it out. I think it will probably be college, but that just sounds so boring. However, it's the most logical. I don't want to go to college later, I'm kind of thinking just get it over with, haha.
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